Sugar on the Asphalt

What I wish you knew...

2009-10-21T22:36:00.004-05:00

What I wish you knew about pregnancy loss:
A letter from women to their friends and family

by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer.

I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. -Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."
-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.
-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Been awhile...but I think that you know...

2008-01-14T11:25:00.001-05:00

Lifehouse's Everything...

2007-09-22T00:47:00.001-05:00

Time...

2007-05-18T08:51:00.000-05:00

Who has time to blog these days? I barely have time to check my e-mail, let alone reply to them. I've never been one to keep a diary. I've tried, but to no avail. I guess we just have to wait and see what will come of this blog.

The two voices in my head...

2007-05-06T13:31:00.000-05:00

Brought to you by the inner math nerd in me...

Reading is fundamental!

2007-05-05T13:31:00.000-05:00

Our little Amelia Bedlia...

2007-03-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

Well, we have a name now! Finally! Her name is Amelia. I guess I will call her Milli. My little Millipede!

My cuz sent me a few pics. Hopefully, we will meet Amelia tomorrow.

As you can see, she has a full head of hair. She kind of looks like my bro when he was born, except a little bigger! They've both got the squinty eyes

Check out the pic from the 80's -->
What's he doing w/his fingers???

Course, my bro looks nothing like this anymore, so, who knows what little Milli's going to look like.

No need to induce...

2007-03-19T10:36:00.000-05:00

My cousin, (we'll call her "J"), was planning on inducing her second child on Wednesday, the 21st. But apparently, there was no need b/c she came at 5:35am today. J went to work as usual. Her dad, my uncle, told her not to go into work but she didn't want her vacation time eaten away, seeing as she doesn't really have any "maternity leave." Anyway by 1am, she began having contractions. Her husband and brother got to the hospital in NY where she was working at 2:30am. She then went home, took a shower and went to a hospital in Jersey where her husband works to have the baby. J had checked in at 4:30am. She was in labor basically for an hour. She claims the baby would have come sooner but they were waiting on the Ob/gyn. Both J and the baby are doing fine. No name has officially been decided as of yet. Hopefully by tomorrow, I will have a name. She came in at 7lbs. 13oz. and 22". Big sis, Abi, is ecstatic. She brought her little sister balloons.
I hope to have pictures by this weekend!

Taking a trip down memory lane...

2006-07-28T12:05:00.000-05:00

I know it has been awhile since I lasted posted. I finally have a month off from classes. :o)
I thought I would sleep in today but I woke up at 5am and couldn't go back to sleep. Anyway, I was bored and surfing the net when I stumbled upon some Bob Ross videos. I remember watching him on PBS when I was younger. Life was better back then. Anyway, here is a sample of The Joy of Painting.

2006-02-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

Do you ever get that feeling where you just want to punch someone, anyone in the face? If you didn't notice I have anger management issues. Maybe I was "PMSing". I'm not sure.

Just a thought...

2006-01-09T06:55:00.000-05:00

When is it appropriate to stop saying "Happy New Year"? I believe one should stop saying "Happy New Year" after the 7th of January.

Today's somebody's birthday!

2005-12-27T19:41:00.000-05:00

Boldog szuletesnapot!(in Hungarian) Pirannal Aasamsakal! (in Malayalam) and plain old Happy Birthday to Princess B. on her 26th birthday! You're over the hill now. The only thing to look forward to is your 30th birthday, but, then again, that's not really something to look forward to!

Happy Birthday, my dear. May you live to see these many candles on your birthday cakes. Love ya!

A December to remember...

2005-12-21T06:19:00.000-05:00

It's just another day of misery for most New Yorkers heading into the borough of Manhattan. But not for me!! Luckily, I had taken some time off from work this week and finals have been postponed til mid-January! I could not be a happier camper. (Not that I enjoy camping.)

Anyway, I support the TWU. I have family members who work for the MTA. The outcome of this strike does not only affect the transit workers. It affects all city workers (my dad works for the HPD). NY state intends new employees to pay 6 percent of their wages during their first 10 years, rather than the current 2 percent. "They are asking us to give up our unborn," Roger Toussaint (TWU president) said, referring to future union members. I'm glad they're thinking of the future.

I heard people other than the transit workers are also joining the picket lines. If they're still striking tomorrow, I might join their ranks. The funny thing is that the MTA spent so much money advertising their surplus and supposedly giving back to the people of NY during the holiday season and now, they're not even functional. In the end, what this means for me is an increased Metrocard fare.

Lazy Sunday

2005-12-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

I thought this was hilarious. Enjoy!

Chicopee & Grey's Anatomy...

2005-12-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

True sign of the season...

2005-12-09T22:37:00.000-05:00

You honestly would not believe this, but I got gasoline today for $1.32/gallon today!!
And then of course, I went back to fill up the other car. People were shaking their heads in disbelief but we were all smiling. I guess Exxon-Mobil was having problems with their computers. They have only been open for a week. I tried to share the good news on New York Gas Prices. But of course, they took done my contribution in a matter of seconds. I don't blame them. It sounds ludicrous but take a look for yourself. --->

The clouds have parted ways...

2005-10-15T18:10:00.000-05:00

for now, at least.
What has it been? 8-9 days fo rain? Finally, the sun shown through today. Luckily, we didn't have any flooding in our area but I have heard of many people having flooded basements. At work, the building seems to be falling apart because there are garbage pails strategically placed to catch the leaks from the ceiling. Some say it was some sort of plague upon the city. Who knows nowadays? As for me, I'm just glad the sun shown through today. Hopefully, next weekend, the orchards will have dried out for me to go apple picking!

Indian Independence Day...

2005-08-16T01:55:00.000-05:00

Well, today marks the 58 th anniversary of India's independence from the British Empire...I have not been to India in 15 years, so I honestly can not comment on the changes that have occurred within those years. I know the quality of life has surely improved and India is in a much better position than the US was after independence. India is still very much a young country.

Szia!

2005-08-11T07:48:00.000-05:00

I had a blog on Friendster but with this blog, I'll be able to stay anonymous to strangers. Yeah!!! Alright, those of you who know me know that I don't get that excited over stuff like this. Anyway, at least I can vent anonymously!!! Happy, happy, joy, joy!!